Shut up Nafs, be Grateful!

Friends asked me what is Nafs upon readin my FB status earlier tonite. Ummm as with many Arabic words, it is so easy to describe a whole repertoir of meanings into just ONE word.

The closest explanation for Nafs...is probably Inner Demons, in my term or others may have point it as the ego/self...or hmmm thoughts, feelings and issues that brings about negativity.

There are a bunch of issues happenin ard me right now and really, dealin and facin them and tryin to stay together and be there for my dearest loved ones sometimes bring out the creepiest and bad ass Inner Demons of mine. Feels suffocated, cornered and sometimes plain uncared for going through these issues. I wish not to hurt anyone but sometimes in order not to have myself resentin my loved ones I have no choice but to be emotionally detached from them as well as forgive them and forgive myself.

I seek greater patience and understanding dear Lord to get through my struggles in facin life and people. Keep guidin me dear Lord, for every pain/stress I am going through for I noe there is relief. Remind me to be grateful at all times so that the heart finds peace and contentment. In You I trust for better days ahead, keep faith that there will be blessings despite the issues I have to resolve and have gratitude for the existence of beautiful people and unfolding of events in my life all tis while.

Ameen

Hijrah

Masya Allah!

4th December was the day that I probably made my bravest decision in my life thus far. It is definitely not the easiest thing to do but it had to be done for my own good.

It has been many many months since the heartache started, many many attempts had been made, many many things unfolded and many many lil lessons learnt that made way to a higher state of emotional & spiritual awakenings. 

From it all, I learnt that

1. I CANNOT change anyone without him wantin to change himself or rather, without God willing him to change and be in sync with my thoughts or needs.

2. And what I CAN do is to CHANGE my mindset and BE RESPONSIBLE for how I respond to the person(s) and situations I am involved in. We are us some of us said, the product of our Choices. Either I could choose to be bitter or be better. No doubt these past months were very confusin and tormentin but praise God that I was able to keep faith, seek for guidance and never have I felt more in touch with God and myself than goin through the pains that came with my heart aches. 

3. I learnt to listen, reflect and question my needs and be self-reliant though many a times I stumbled and fell and get all upset and panic and felt so lost. Nevertheless hope and faith kept me goin and definitely God's grace and mercy lead the way.

4. Everyday has been a learnin journey with new friendship fostered, dealin with myself and through observations of things that go on ard me. I just cannot help sayin some people and things happened to my life tis year are simply GOD SENT!

5. I felt that God is teachin me a very precious lesson from all these....today it hit me, perhaps all these that happened and those which are still happenin are part of HIJRAH for myself. Hijrah in essence whereby one seeks for a better situation. Tis is thus then my Jihad.

So I shall remind myself here, that I must not lose focus or be gripped again by my nafs to cling on to people and situations that are EMOTIONALLY & PSYCHOLOGICALLY DRAINING. Rather I should focus in puttin my ENERGY into POSITIVE endeavours and gettin myself to PRIORITISE servin the Lord above all else, makin Islam not simply an act of worship but rather embrace it as the way of my life.


Just gotta remember:

"Those who believe, and migrate and strive in Allah’s cause, with their goods and their persons, have the highest rank in the sight of Allah: they are indeed the successful people. Their Lord does give them glad tidings of a Mercy from Himself, of His good pleasure, and of Gardens where enduring pleasure will be theirs: They will dwell therein forever. Verily in Allah’s presence is a reward, the greatest (of all)." (Al-Tawbah 9: 20-22)


So yeah, Alhamdulillah :)


    

Chance or Change

Today dear Lord i grasp to Your Rope, please grant me strength & wisdom so I may go forth to choose CHANGE with dignity for my self & humility as Your Servant.

Bismillah.



 

4

still a journey, still a maze
still grateful despite the many heartbreakin days

i could only hope & pray
only the Lord could ever turn the situation and stop the sway
stop withdrawin come back to stay
otherwise i'll be on my way

Return

I realised now that I have fallen so low to a point that perhaps I allow others to just trample on me & do as they please accordin to their whims. I awaken now with a renewed vision. Felt like I was slapped hard tis mornin from what I was doin and inshaa Allah I shall rebuild life with dignity. I found a renewed sense of bravery(a tiny bit) & it is time I stand up with chin up. 

Dear Lord, time and again you have shown me yet I was too blind to see or accept that which you have keep layin out in front of me. It is time I protect my heart & reserve it for You only, instead of leavin it open for scarrin again & again & again. Enough. I will not submit to my whims, his whims, her whims or anybody's...but I will be made broken for You. Please continue showing me the way to put my heart in servin You as the main priority in my life and let me take steps forward towards inner peace and bliss.

 

O my Lord, here I am at Your service, here I am.

There is no partner with You,

here I am.

Truly the praise

and the provisions are Yours,

and so is the dominion and sovereignty.

There is no partner with You.

Sacrifice

Lillahi Ta'ala...which do I slaughter? 
For the bigger picture....for faith...for You, O Lord?
I see blessings in both.
I have to be Brave and get through pains for either....which dear Lord? Am still unclear despite the signs & pictures... to still serve or to be free?


I need Clarity...please show me...

Virgin Shots!

If there's anythin at all that is worth to be happy and wheeing about lately is probably the developed photos from my virgin attempt of film photography!

Haha total noob...just grabbed the Canonet, loaded in an Arista 400 film (black & white!!) & whacked my way through the roll. I must say I was crazy ambitious...I totally abandoned the light meter on my iPhone and just shot blind, setting ISO at 200 and simply just familiarisin myself with the viewfinder.

I was sooo nervous to collect the negatives tonite....I was sooo scared the photos will turn out underdeveloped or all black or all blur! I'd cry if I had to pay so much for wasted film but thankfully....not! Phewww...Alhamdulillah!

The verdict...
Few of my favourite shots:

I've started loading in my second roll of film...tis time with a Portra 400! Hopefully with a tad more pointers from my friends I would do better for my next attempt in colours! So exciting!!

 

The Tumour in my Humour

The FAQs of my life now:

What's ur secret to losin so much weight?
Kurus u skarang....u diet eh? Makan apa eh?

Hai mcm nak jawab je....

Makannn....makan hati!! 
i tak recommend tapi if u nak sangat...Try la!

heh.
 
 

 
 

Little by Little

It feels great that she acknowledges that what I have been doin is not just utter nonsense but somethin worth pursuin.

It is not just about havin fun but passion & love for the things I put my heart & mind into. Social media & Crafting...to her these are things I love wastin my time on. I told her about how they are filled with opportunities & possibilities for career or entrepreneurial platforms but she remained skeptic. Till she saw an article in the newspaper recently....and realise that I'm not bullshittin about the power & joy of social networking & creating!!

I can't help but beam when she admitted she needs to tweak her mindset a lil bit. Now she believes my cause & is a spokesperson of what I enjoy doing. Alhamdulillah yessah!








 

  



 

That's fast!

Masha Allah!
How fast was ur response, Lord.
How much You opened the path to tread forward & how perfect is Your timing...and I am still reeling with Awe!

my love, u being so bad and sad is reaaaaallyyyy pushin me to the edge and makin me soooo mad but it is probably cos u r actually SCARED.

while understand i may but it doesn't make it ok that i am treated tis way. i pray you muster up some courage & stop stringing me away when actually ur heart does not intend to stay.

Wait

Ok My Lord, i'm uncertain why You arranged it tis way but surely You know better and I shall learn to stay patient & seek in learnin what lesson to draw from tis thing You decide to be settled Later.

Oh dear Lord, grant us salvation to somethin better! Please guide us towards our Bliss here & for the HereAfter! Just please don't keep me being strung along too long my Lord...it hurts, it hurts, it hurts so so bad my Lord! 

I'm in need Your salvation & intervention...

 

Wow

So utterly.
your sweet joy is my bitter truth.
perhaps it is really time to.
Thank You & You.
 

Convert?

I remember one amusing question a close friend of mine asked when she saw me donnin a hijab on my birthday. At that point it sounded funny but today I think her question made sense.

Did I convert?
Initially i went hmmmm?? but it is actually YES. 
My heart was converted.
To submit more to my Rabb.

Today I am reminded to not limit God. Just because of how limited the amount of worship I could offer to the Lord or that I have sinned so much, it does not mean that God will withhold His blessings for that little or that much that I have done for Him...rather I should keep faith in His Divine abundance of blessings...ask ask ask for forgiveness & goodness...seek seek seek God!

Also to always reflect & express gratitude for whatever I am blessed with despite having to go through one of the toughest challenges in my life. Acknowledge God's blessings, give thanks and God will provide more. Believe in that!

Always HUMBLE oneself to God & Be Courageous with People.

Thank u my Lord for enriching me today through Your words spoken by men of faith. Thank you for YouTube! hahah! I shall continue seeking You & be a better person & servant despite again & again falling into heedlessness & errors. Shut not my opportunities to learn & be closer to You just yet my Lord, for I am just about to begin tis journey with You. Shed away these shades of darkness in me bit by bit, may someday You fill my soul completely & return to You with Your Light.

I pray the same or even better for my loved ones to have such a beautiful journey with You too...today...some day...one day...may their hearts rejoice in being conscious of You! Ameen!  
 
 

In Loving Memory

Perhaps that's where I stay now and days ahead,
Together with what ifs & could have beens.

Out of sight but not out of mind only.
 
 

 

Do You?

Feel as wrecked as I do?
Sure to err is human but to be remorse, learn from it, STAND UP and make things right is HUMAN too.

Will you? 

Nevertheless I refuse to be a victim of your circumstances and I pray for the Lord to grant us strength to overcome what needs to be done and keep us guided in the right path in tis journey of love.
 
 

Live Life And Move On

Just when this heart was feelin so wrecked & heavy,
Angels sent me their love & prayers unexpectedly...
Masya Allah....
Thank you my Lord

Indeed You listened and put ease in my hardship...how beautiful is it to go through all these and be drawn only closer to You tis Ramadhan...I shall pay the deeds forward with a lil prayer too. Please bless all my loved ones who are strugglin in their daily lives, jugglin their responsibilities towards their families while tryin their best to better themselves in servin You, my Lord with much patience, steadfastness, ease and serenity of the heart, mind and soul. 

Amin.

Boundary

The nicer the person usually the greater the problems they have with boundaries. 

It is very important for those around us to experience the consequences their own actions.

Why am I being hopelessly hopeful despite being time & time again violated mentally & emotionally? Why oh heart you keep wanting to hold on when we know the situation is screamin at me to Get Out?? 

I do know what I want and what needs to be done for myself and of the other party to make it work again and yes oh so many times tis heart aches & breaks cos we are not on the same page but it feels like we are not done yet.

I am following my heart & constantly praying for God to keep guiding me to take the right path & lead me to that Bliss eventually yet it feels like it is not right for me to be in a hurry...it feels like there are still lessons in store for me, and in that I seek to implement Sabr in my struggles & for continuous flow of Guidance & more Clarity to make the right moves. Yes again and again and again, I rage, I rant, I grief yet there is always that nagging feeling to forgive and try again and again and again. WHY?? Do i not learn my lesson?!

Are these thoughts, guts & actions of mine simply excuses or denials, my Lord? Is it really because so that I don't have to face the fact that I have to break bonds to set myself free from mistreatment or disrespect? Am I really allowing another human to step on me by being tis vulnerable to open & learn from all these that You have arranged for us, ya Rabb?? If tis is the one thing that I am so weak at or tis is one of the Biggest lesson to learn in my life, keep showing me the way to overcome it & figure it out, my Lord...so that I do not transgress myself and those who truly love me.Help me save myself from bein a victim to becomin a victor against others who patronise me & my own doing.

"La ila ha illa anta, subhanaka inni kuntu mina dzalimin"

 

Strength in Numbers

32.

Thrown off tangent, smacked right out of the comfort zone & utterly derailed yet I know from all the pains & helplessness, I am not alone in my struggles.

This life is Divinely planned, this journey a personal affair but He sends me Angels & glad tidings to live strong & keep faith moment by moment, step by step each living day.


Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah. Allahu Akbar.

Tis Weathering Heart

Despite the heat, despite the storms, despite the haze and despite the hail,
YOU never left me.
YOU gave me strength.
Though my heart alternates between turmoiled & still & I could go crazy facing all these weathers these past months, YOU have shown me & pushed me to take bold steps in taking ownership of my life & self-respect. I now trust no one, not even myself with my heart but only YOU. 
What ever grand plan you have for us, I am just thankful that in these troubled times I have learnt that what best to do is to return my heart to YOU, the Best of planners & the Turner of hearts.

Guide us to the straight path - The path of those upon whom You have bestowed favor, not of those who have evoked [Your] anger or of those who are astray. (Al-Fatihah: 6-7) 

Only Human

crumblin to pieces,
i need to hide
i need to heal
only with the Lord in my heart right now
oh love, it's just getting too painful every day.

u r sorry for hurtin me,
and i'm sorry for not bein able to be all that strong i wish & u hope i could be.

never do i wish to part but now it is getting wayyy too hard.
pls have a heart.

Oh You

Liar Liar pants on fire!

Keep the Faith

In pain n uncertainties, we shall learn to let go of fears n grow in faith.

letting go & letting God guide tis lil heart

Something I read today that was so resounding to me right now.
Left me weak with helplessness but fortified with love & blessed feelings.

"Allah gives us gifts, but then we come to love them as we should only love Him. We take those gifts and inject them into our hearts, until they take over. Soon we cannot live without them. Every waking moment is spent in contemplation of them, in submission and worship to them. The mind and the heart that was created by Allah, for Allah, becomes the property of someone or something else. And then the fear comes. The fear of loss begins to cripple us. The gift—that should have remained in our hands—takes over our heart, so the fear of losing it consumes us. Soon, what was once a gift becomes a weapon of torture and a prison of our own making. How can we be freed of this? At times, in His infinite mercy, Allah frees us…by taking it away.

As a result of it being taken, we turn to Allah wholeheartedly. In that desperation and need, we ask, we beg, we pray. Through the loss, we reach a level of Sincerity and Humility and Dependence on Him which we would otherwise not reach—had it not been taken from us. Through the loss, our hearts turn entirely to face Him."

Bless Yasmin Mogahed dear Lord, for her da'wah puts stillness in my restless heart.
www.yasminmogahed.com/2011/11/13/people-leave-each-other-but-do-they-return/