Monday, 30 March 2015

Head's Under Water

The whole of last week kinda felt like what I had to fight off last year. Painful dark sense of loss and gloom. I felt so tired & uninspired. I am not exactly sure if it is really the death of the minister mentor that griped me or maybe what I read about, complicated grief, that suddenly overwhelmed me.

I spent last week totally not looking into work but taking in every day as it comes. I kept crying and I feel like I have done nothing much for those around me as every day I was just fighting myself from crumbling emotionally. That or I was mostly sleeping. Tried to shake off the feeling while exploring Istana Woodneuk & rocking it out at Wall Climbing....yes in those moments, I lost myself but again the melancholy slips in.

Today, I made time to listen to the eulogies by the grandchildren of LKY upon gettin up. Pretty impressive, much admiration, peppered with aspirations & such eloquence. Li Hongyi's just resonated so much to me. He talked about the 3Cs of his Yeye and of his camera. Aren't we such vulnerable & sentimental beings?

I just cannot help reminiscin of times spent with Abah and Iyuan tis past week actually. The men who inspired & stirred my interest in photography & the ones who bought me my cameras. Is it any coincidence that I spent alot of my waking time taking photos instead of craftin or floral jammin? Perhaps it was a way to comfort my loss from death & going through divorce. Truly, I miss them both.

Yet I cannot remain tis way & I shall again, find my way. Mak needs me to be ok. She has been my pillar of strength & I am truly grateful for her still being here. For now perhaps, that should be what truly matter. Her.

And I will always try to remember that in the choices I make & the things I do, to emulate MM as he does the things he do. With Character, Clarity & Conviction....these are values that I shall cultivate of my journey, really hats off to some people who really make it look easy.

Nevertheless I thank God for whatever I am blessed with today, feels like I live a privilege life & may I reflect upon it every day & always give my best back with what I have & share the goodness that I possess.


Wednesday, 18 February 2015

The Sound of Getting By

Floral jam.
Steel Wool shoots.
Girly giggles.

Get busy.
Get high.
Get a life.

Sunday, 15 February 2015

ONE OK ROCK - Heartache [Studio Jam Session]

Of all days/dates in the year for tis to be published.
Tis is definitely one dedicated to you & me.
Be it coincidental or God-incidental.

The question is will you Be my Kenshin?

The Toughest Trial/Triumph

Friday the 13th, 2015. 

I was at my toughest. I faced you. I faced the day I dread. I didn't want things to end with you for truly my heart still yearns for you and your return but it is just no longer right any more for me to pine & hope for change when there's too much guilt & self-inflicted shame you corner yourself to.

No matter how I reach out the wall you raise gets higher & higher. You feel like you don't matter when it feels like it is my belief & love for you that does not matter at all instead. You can no longer bring yourself to accept it while i can no longer tolerate your misdeeds.

Whatever holds for us forward, I shall continue prayin for you & lovin you from where I am. I shall not falter & let my whole world crumble by the things I feel mistreated abt. I shall keep breathin, keep goin, keep growin & keep faith.

May you do the same & some day overcome & forget your guilt & find true happiness & gratitude in your heart & be drawn closer to the Almighty. May the Lord grant you strength in your daily battles & tenacity to face & overcome you difficulties.


Saturday, 22 November 2014

Valuing my Being

It's been months since my last update.

I feel like I have been through the deepest, darkest part of a rabbit hole and am in a position where I am striving hard to get myself out of it. I felt self-absorbed for the past months having to turn down invitations to hang out or have fun with friends and loved ones but spending more time reaching out to certain people, seeking deeper knowledge, craft jamming and clinging to God's rope even more. It finally dawned on me that I am on track, I am in the thick of a self awareness journey where there are bits of my life crumbling while in other aspects I sense, becoming. 

I could totally connect with Imam Muhammad Abdul Latif Finch's remark about life being a spiraling journey and the fuel for this journey is in Dhikrullah, the remembrance of Allah. I have been at my worst that alot of times my actions and thoughts are poisoned with negativeness especially towards a couple of people I love most and I could finally see how purifying MY heart first(istighfar instead of getting irritated) in response to pain (another person's action, that which I have no control over or I am not in favour of), helps me transform my state of well-being. It is BLOODY HARD. Yet the efforts are worth pursuing. I am still nowhere near where I hope to be but inshaa Allah, may He continually guide me as I continually walk tis journey in seekin Him & discoverin further my purpose in tis journey.

I have been asked to do deep thinking about life; my life and my career. From there I spend a lot of time in reflections and askin further questions. There have been soo much buzz(which I call dots) in my head that have taken so much of my time & energy tryin to string them. For now, here are my take aways (it's more for my own reference):

Value myself first. 
Know what my values are and stay true to them to feel most authentic.

Practise self-compassion
It is OK not to be OK, acknowledge my pain. I am worthy of kindness and care towards myself while going through pain. I am human not perfect.

Tawakkul & devote myself to the Creator first & foremostly
Start and see things with a grateful heart and ask am I doing something as an acknowledgement/worship of God with love (sincerity) or am I preocuppied with my Self striving to be perfect (fear of failing, losing)?

Let things unfold & unveil in the Lord's perfect timing. Observe, be aware and act.

Practise the same towards others. Show them that they are Valued and be compassionate and affectionate. Complement where possible.

Don't know if these things I noted, will they be relevant still in time but surely these are some of my learnings for now. The marvels of learning to unlearn and relearn. 

Praise God.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Rusts & Ruts

Despite turnin quite the cynic...I really cannot fathom why I put my self again in the path of uncertainty at a greater risk at the very mention of HELP and u came back by my side askin for more time for change to take place.

What the hell was that about? And since then I have feelings of both euphoria and anxiety. Inhalin Gratitude and Exhalin Love is a day to day process I have to learn & take steps towards u before i could again Inhale Love and Exhale Gratitude.

I have always believed that underneath the bad choices or attitude, probably lies a hurt person waitin to shine positively so how could I take things so personally especially when what bothered me were triggers mainly?

Dear Lord, grant us strength to restore and rebuild if it is meant to be. Let us learn, give & receive each other in the most beautiful ways through this journey. Just when I was seein the end, again You grant us unexpected help. Let us be with each other only to reach out deep within ourselves to love You and cherish Your mercy & grace. Let us not deviate from the right path with Your guidance.


Saturday, 2 August 2014

Questions & Invitations

Is it me who is the insensitive one who keep pushing for change, hoping to improve the situation, hoping to receive affirmation or communication but only to make it feel like rubbing dirt in ur face further?

Perhaps I have changed for the worse towards us but better for myself. I asked my self again n tis self-love or narcissism? It is said that when people truly love, they can overcome thinking about their needs and put others' needs before their own. I used to do that and I used to love so easily now I feel like a cynic, closing off my heart to stop further hurt and feel like the world is closin in on me when I try to share what I feel are important and require attention/decision but only to be met with silence instead of lively discussion.

Feel safe or like I belong no longer though hope harbours. Unfortunately deadline is drawing nearer. Makes me anxious & nervous everyday but then of course again & again, there is no compulsion in love nor religion...just invitations to walk the same way.