Valuing my Being

It's been months since my last update.

I feel like I have been through the deepest, darkest part of a rabbit hole and am in a position where I am striving hard to get myself out of it. I felt self-absorbed for the past months having to turn down invitations to hang out or have fun with friends and loved ones but spending more time reaching out to certain people, seeking deeper knowledge, craft jamming and clinging to God's rope even more. It finally dawned on me that I am on track, I am in the thick of a self awareness journey where there are bits of my life crumbling while in other aspects I sense, becoming. 

I could totally connect with Imam Muhammad Abdul Latif Finch's remark about life being a spiraling journey and the fuel for this journey is in Dhikrullah, the remembrance of Allah. I have been at my worst that alot of times my actions and thoughts are poisoned with negativeness especially towards a couple of people I love most and I could finally see how purifying MY heart first(istighfar instead of getting irritated) in response to pain (another person's action, that which I have no control over or I am not in favour of), helps me transform my state of well-being. It is BLOODY HARD. Yet the efforts are worth pursuing. I am still nowhere near where I hope to be but inshaa Allah, may He continually guide me as I continually walk tis journey in seekin Him & discoverin further my purpose in tis journey.

I have been asked to do deep thinking about life; my life and my career. From there I spend a lot of time in reflections and askin further questions. There have been soo much buzz(which I call dots) in my head that have taken so much of my time & energy tryin to string them. For now, here are my take aways (it's more for my own reference):


Value myself first. 
Know what my values are and stay true to them to feel most authentic.

Practise self-compassion. 
It is OK not to be OK, acknowledge my pain. I am worthy of kindness and care towards myself while going through pain. I am human not perfect.

Tawakkul & devote myself to the Creator first & foremostly. 
Start and see things with a grateful heart and ask am I doing something as an acknowledgement/worship of God with love (sincerity) or am I preocuppied with my Self striving to be perfect (fear of failing, losing)?

Let things unfold & unveil in the Lord's perfect timing. Observe, be aware and act.

Practise the same towards others. Show them that they are Valued and be compassionate and affectionate. Complement where possible.

Don't know if these things I noted, will they be relevant still in time but surely these are some of my learnings for now. The marvels of learning to unlearn and relearn. 

Praise God.

Rusts & Ruts

Despite turnin quite the cynic...I really cannot fathom why I put my self again in the path of uncertainty at a greater risk at the very mention of HELP and u came back by my side askin for more time for change to take place.

What the hell was that about? And since then I have feelings of both euphoria and anxiety. Inhalin Gratitude and Exhalin Love is a day to day process I have to learn & take steps towards u before i could again Inhale Love and Exhale Gratitude.

I have always believed that underneath the bad choices or attitude, probably lies a hurt person waitin to shine positively so how could I take things so personally especially when what bothered me were triggers mainly?

Dear Lord, grant us strength to restore and rebuild if it is meant to be. Let us learn, give & receive each other in the most beautiful ways through this journey. Just when I was seein the end, again You grant us unexpected help. Let us be with each other only to reach out deep within ourselves to love You and cherish Your mercy & grace. Let us not deviate from the right path with Your guidance.



 

Questions & Invitations

Is it me who is the insensitive one who keep pushing for change, hoping to improve the situation, hoping to receive affirmation or communication but only to make it feel like rubbing dirt in ur face further?

Perhaps I have changed for the worse towards us but better for myself. I asked my self again n again...is tis self-love or narcissism? It is said that when people truly love, they can overcome thinking about their needs and put others' needs before their own. I used to do that and I used to love so easily now I feel like a cynic, closing off my heart to stop further hurt and feel like the world is closin in on me when I try to share what I feel are important and require attention/decision but only to be met with silence instead of lively discussion.


Feel safe or like I belong no longer though hope harbours. Unfortunately deadline is drawing nearer. Makes me anxious & nervous everyday but then of course again & again, there is no compulsion in love nor religion...just invitations to walk the same way.

Oh heart

If it is dead, revive it with Your Grace,
If it is asleep, awaken it with Your Mercy,
Dear Lord, let it beat again in beautiful rhythm with Gratitude for Your love & light.

Guide it, guide it dear Lord,
To the true path that leads it back to You.

Bind our hearts, seal our love for You.

 

"Our Lord! Let not our hearts deviate from the truth after You have guided us, and bestow upon us mercy from Your grace. Verily You are the Giver of bounties without measure." (Ali Imran:8)

The Brutality of Bravery

Point blank.
Gunned.
Felt like i committed murder.

Like you i asked myself again...is that it?
Honestly, i hate it but i had to do it.
Puttin myself in the unknown, the consequence one day and many more days ahead i shall bear alone.
Yes mum, family, friends and more will always be around me but i bear the pain, the grief, the madness alone.

Perhaps it is my reluctance to be soft hearted despite the attempts you make to ease my pain or romance me off my feet that turned you off completely but how do i stay in tis covenant with broken trust & blatant unfaithfulness?

I will not lie to my own heart. I need to live & love sincerely. Happy & Bliss was you & me only. That is over. What you don't understand is I don't need to be appeased nor pitied, now I choose to have only a life partner who would love & stay true to me for the sake of the Lord as how I would stay true to him likewise, and to hell with insecurity. Cos that insecurity breeds jealousy. They give me bad allergy. I no longer have that confidence we are going to work anymore so it is time to break this tiresome cycle and embrace life anew.

Lord, on tis nite of Ramadhan, i pray that if yesterday was the worst day of our lives, please make our days ahead to be better. I shall resolve to continually trust Your plans and try to keep myself together.

We unite by Your grace and possibly part by Your mercy that which gave me strength to stand up for my worth & dignity. I can no longer smile and have no gratitude for him....Lord, forgive me and please guide me. Thank You, Lord for givin me the courage to establish my boundary.

Men

I could possibly be ramblin & sharin how fun & frustratin my adventures were with my maternal family, retracin our roots back to my grandma's birthplace that took place a week back but some how it felt like somethin less significant to what reality is truly presentin to me right now.

Yes, it was a trip worth takin like a lil respite from the reckonin madness that was goin on in my social life. Hah. Upon return, I had a certain resolution that no matter what bullshit happened before the trip, I am gonna return on a clean slate but of course lo and behold things got worse! But I had to look hard into the matters and resolve not get dragged along in others' mess & keep my own shit together and if there is one thing that was draggin me down on that trip but now seems like it was somethin I actually needed...it was diarrhoea...i am probably gettin the effect of detox now!

Alhamdulillah at this juncture, I am still stumbling my way through tis life of mine but I kinda feel like things are beginnin to be better. After The Fault in Our Stars movie, Ustaz Nouman's Story Night session and talkin to my sister-in-law it seems like God is finally tellin me to sit down, forget tryin so hard to stay with someone who I no longer can entrust my heart with, and pay attention to Him and His choices of men he has put forth in my life!

I didn't see that comin but OK, so yes possibly....leadin to Ramadhan, i shall keep my senses open and dig up the Quran and seek those chosen ones....Muhammad, Joseph, Jesus and Moses....peace and blessings be upon these beautiful men and what goodness they bring to me and the rest of humanity. And may God bless all the beautiful people who keep me in their prayers, instill positivity and keep me inspired all this while. 

I'mma gonna keep goin & keep sparklin, inshaa Allah!

Stone Wall

I was at my best with you,

But you refused to stay true.

Even if you missed me or how I still ache for you terribly,

Now I'm so numb,

Beyond an arm,

To open my heart & reach out to what could be,

And so what ever will be, shall be.

Couldn't I be a lil bit kinder?

I have only become a lil bit more miser.

 

Arise!

"Steady your hearts, look deep into your souls! Seize your Glory!"

Sparkle

Never forget that what has passed you by was never meant to befall you. And what has befallen you, was never meant to pass you by. Know that sometimes Allah withholds from you, in order to give you something better. Keep your Heart focused on Him, and He will take care of the rest.

And remember: you will Stumble but that's part of the path.

Keep going. Keep rising, and refuse to give up.

-Yasmin Mogahed

Dear Lord grant me strength and serenity to keep going, to keep rising and to refuse giving up. Help me to continually let go & ease the process dear Lord. Let Your divine light, mercy & love prevail above all else throughout this struggle but most of all, THANK YOU for showing me the bitter truth of things, i shall keep marching on.

Alhamdulillah.

Intentions

Oh how some people can swear by GOD that their intention meant no harm to me. Have they heard not of the saying

THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS??

Do they not know their ACTS are what condemn them to their consequences?? Ohhhhh the nerve of some people dear Lord!! Please keep me from harm and harming ya Allah! Strengthen me with iman & taqwa ya Allah!

Please continue keeping me on track, guiding me in every step of my struggle and continue giving me clarity as I march on ya Rabb, ya Rahman, ya Rahim!!

  

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah

That's like 3 CHEERS for my fulfilling Sunday!

Felt like there's a certain callin today that draws me AND my loved ones closer to the blessings of the Lord. Thank you Allah for presentin to us such opportunities like bam bam bam! 

My heavy heart suddenly felt uplifted and am truly thankful and glad to be able to listen and be inspired again with teachings of the Prophet and words of the Lord. And to wrap up the nite, without even me seekin, the opportunity for me to listen to more inspirin talks presented itself when my cuzzin called to inform me that Yasmin Mogahed is comin to SG again & a friend has already made reservations for us. Allah Allah Allah...thank you for the abundance!!

رَّبِّ زِدْنِى عِلْمًۭا.                                

 "....Oh my Lord, increase me in knowledge."

(Taha 20:114)