Shut up Nafs, be Grateful!

Friends asked me what is Nafs upon readin my FB status earlier tonite. Ummm as with many Arabic words, it is so easy to describe a whole repertoir of meanings into just ONE word.

The closest explanation for Nafs...is probably Inner Demons, in my term or others may have point it as the ego/self...or hmmm thoughts, feelings and issues that brings about negativity.

There are a bunch of issues happenin ard me right now and really, dealin and facin them and tryin to stay together and be there for my dearest loved ones sometimes bring out the creepiest and bad ass Inner Demons of mine. Feels suffocated, cornered and sometimes plain uncared for going through these issues. I wish not to hurt anyone but sometimes in order not to have myself resentin my loved ones I have no choice but to be emotionally detached from them as well as forgive them and forgive myself.

I seek greater patience and understanding dear Lord to get through my struggles in facin life and people. Keep guidin me dear Lord, for every pain/stress I am going through for I noe there is relief. Remind me to be grateful at all times so that the heart finds peace and contentment. In You I trust for better days ahead, keep faith that there will be blessings despite the issues I have to resolve and have gratitude for the existence of beautiful people and unfolding of events in my life all tis while.

Ameen

Hijrah

Masya Allah!

4th December was the day that I probably made my bravest decision in my life thus far. It is definitely not the easiest thing to do but it had to be done for my own good.

It has been many many months since the heartache started, many many attempts had been made, many many things unfolded and many many lil lessons learnt that made way to a higher state of emotional & spiritual awakenings. 

From it all, I learnt that

1. I CANNOT change anyone without him wantin to change himself or rather, without God willing him to change and be in sync with my thoughts or needs.

2. And what I CAN do is to CHANGE my mindset and BE RESPONSIBLE for how I respond to the person(s) and situations I am involved in. We are us some of us said, the product of our Choices. Either I could choose to be bitter or be better. No doubt these past months were very confusin and tormentin but praise God that I was able to keep faith, seek for guidance and never have I felt more in touch with God and myself than goin through the pains that came with my heart aches. 

3. I learnt to listen, reflect and question my needs and be self-reliant though many a times I stumbled and fell and get all upset and panic and felt so lost. Nevertheless hope and faith kept me goin and definitely God's grace and mercy lead the way.

4. Everyday has been a learnin journey with new friendship fostered, dealin with myself and through observations of things that go on ard me. I just cannot help sayin some people and things happened to my life tis year are simply GOD SENT!

5. I felt that God is teachin me a very precious lesson from all these....today it hit me, perhaps all these that happened and those which are still happenin are part of HIJRAH for myself. Hijrah in essence whereby one seeks for a better situation. Tis is thus then my Jihad.

So I shall remind myself here, that I must not lose focus or be gripped again by my nafs to cling on to people and situations that are EMOTIONALLY & PSYCHOLOGICALLY DRAINING. Rather I should focus in puttin my ENERGY into POSITIVE endeavours and gettin myself to PRIORITISE servin the Lord above all else, makin Islam not simply an act of worship but rather embrace it as the way of my life.


Just gotta remember:

"Those who believe, and migrate and strive in Allah’s cause, with their goods and their persons, have the highest rank in the sight of Allah: they are indeed the successful people. Their Lord does give them glad tidings of a Mercy from Himself, of His good pleasure, and of Gardens where enduring pleasure will be theirs: They will dwell therein forever. Verily in Allah’s presence is a reward, the greatest (of all)." (Al-Tawbah 9: 20-22)


So yeah, Alhamdulillah :)


    

Chance or Change

Today dear Lord i grasp to Your Rope, please grant me strength & wisdom so I may go forth to choose CHANGE with dignity for my self & humility as Your Servant.

Bismillah.



 

4

still a journey, still a maze
still grateful despite the many heartbreakin days

i could only hope & pray
only the Lord could ever turn the situation and stop the sway
stop withdrawin come back to stay
otherwise i'll be on my way

Return

I realised now that I have fallen so low to a point that perhaps I allow others to just trample on me & do as they please accordin to their whims. I awaken now with a renewed vision. Felt like I was slapped hard tis mornin from what I was doin and inshaa Allah I shall rebuild life with dignity. I found a renewed sense of bravery(a tiny bit) & it is time I stand up with chin up. 

Dear Lord, time and again you have shown me yet I was too blind to see or accept that which you have keep layin out in front of me. It is time I protect my heart & reserve it for You only, instead of leavin it open for scarrin again & again & again. Enough. I will not submit to my whims, his whims, her whims or anybody's...but I will be made broken for You. Please continue showing me the way to put my heart in servin You as the main priority in my life and let me take steps forward towards inner peace and bliss.

 

O my Lord, here I am at Your service, here I am.

There is no partner with You,

here I am.

Truly the praise

and the provisions are Yours,

and so is the dominion and sovereignty.

There is no partner with You.

Sacrifice

Lillahi Ta'ala...which do I slaughter? 
For the bigger picture....for faith...for You, O Lord?
I see blessings in both.
I have to be Brave and get through pains for either....which dear Lord? Am still unclear despite the signs & pictures... to still serve or to be free?


I need Clarity...please show me...

Virgin Shots!

If there's anythin at all that is worth to be happy and wheeing about lately is probably the developed photos from my virgin attempt of film photography!

Haha total noob...just grabbed the Canonet, loaded in an Arista 400 film (black & white!!) & whacked my way through the roll. I must say I was crazy ambitious...I totally abandoned the light meter on my iPhone and just shot blind, setting ISO at 200 and simply just familiarisin myself with the viewfinder.

I was sooo nervous to collect the negatives tonite....I was sooo scared the photos will turn out underdeveloped or all black or all blur! I'd cry if I had to pay so much for wasted film but thankfully....not! Phewww...Alhamdulillah!

The verdict...
Few of my favourite shots:

I've started loading in my second roll of film...tis time with a Portra 400! Hopefully with a tad more pointers from my friends I would do better for my next attempt in colours! So exciting!!