Not to grow n kill, grow n kill!
HOw dumbfuck can i be.
2 times, same blunder!!
To drug is to kill and get the resistant ones to live.
What the hell am i doin here at work when i should be juz sleepin off my Saturday mornin.
Waste time, reagents, drugs!!
Stupid Overanxious me!!
Nothing.
Insensitive= cannot feel beyond and but of my own pains
Fear= here
NUMB=anaesthetic replacement
Question=When the verve and brain juice are all sucked up, what is there left to spare for others?
Answer=COLD HEART which somehow still beats to some warmth called Love.
it's too COLD.
and it falls on you
it falls on you.
Been pretty much trapped at home for the past week since Tuesday, strugglin my way to the completion of my reports. I was bit by paranoia, loneliness and negative thoughts on Saturday, that it took mesye to tell me to istighfar to kept me from feelin more shitty than ever. Fell asleep with dried tears yet filled with gladness that I have an angel lookin over me, who reminds me to submit to God when i felt like i'm at my wits' end. And so things got better for me yesterday.
Started the day with a certain calmness. Granny came over and decided to stay over till today! Great, mummy & I have company! Instead of workin on my report in the mornin, I ended up online shoppin and visitin a food blog that was featured in the Lifestyle section of The Sunday Times....hehe! Only started to focus on my report from midday and at about 4pm, my mum made me have a back massage since I have been sittin alot and sufferin from a lil backache. Now, instead of juz my waist area, the whole of my back ache! Haha! Never mind that, cos last nite i manage to escape from my report and had a dessert fix with Iyuan, Liz and Mr Fyz! YEAY! finally...an evenin out with my friends! Been wantin to do that for quite awhile, missed doin such so much! Thanx to my grandma who kept my mum company, i gotta hang out at Corduroy Cafe with them! YeaY!
Report can wait, while i indulged sumptious Vegetarian Lasagne, delish Apple Rhubarb Crumble with Vanilla Custard (they r the ones in the lowest row in the pic), gettin bites of Granny Smith & Almond tart, Corduroy Cheesecake and Antipasti special! It was my first trip to that cafe...SWEEEEEETNESS! Lovin em all (emm except that their drinks weren't that good)! I've much to rave abt the cafe, from the yummy desserts, to the ambience to the music..yes, any place that fill my senses deserve raves especially when I was feelin crappy! And of course, the great company, the laughters that came along with them...Sure is a mood lifter! Liz, thank u for comin all the way to pick me up and head out to Vivo! I'm feelin so much better now!! Now...i'm waitin for our photos & vids of the boys enjoyin their dose of Shirley Bassey to be loaded by Miss Boneeta!
Okie that'll be all for me now, gotta get back on track with my report! Have a great start for the week everyone..i hope the same goes for me too, tho i do feel the jitters of goin back to work tomorrow! Oh well...why worry so much ey? Que sera, sera....
i NEED time to BREATHE
but the time is NOT now.
tick tock...time's runnin
and i'm fallin.
I HAVE TO GET UP!
GO.
NOW.
Or am i juz bein too ambitious?
Two weeks has passed yet i'm still stuck at work till late today. Alot has been goin on in my mind. Every day is depressingly long at work. Both mesye n mum are worried for me and i admit that on some days i really thought of droppin it all. The timing for me to be strugglin like tis, seems inappropriate. My classmates are all done with their reports, and i am still stuck at 3 more to go, had no chance at all to do anythin tis week. It's been work, work, work!
I dunno how long tis will go on...Is tis the way to go? A steep learning curve, fast-paced, think-quick research work...is it really for me? Is this a start of somethin great to accomplish? I've always wanted to experience the challenges of research work, and right now...i am given the chance to do what i have always wanted to do...research on tumour genes,puttin all that i knew before to full use...DNA work, protein work...tissue culture even...but all these goin on simultaneously, it's such a major struggle, my brain doesn't seem to be workin either and man it pains me to leave my mum all alone at home when she comes back from work and waitin for me to come home almost every nite. It pains me too that mesye has to put in extra care for me yet i cannot spare much time to shower him with TLC. is tis all worth it, i wonder?
Mesye asked me today...What do i get at the end of tis, workin my ass off like tis?
*shrugs*
i could only take a deep breath and hold his hand tight...
and so my struggle continues...
can i juz wish that my next entry would be less worrysome?
oh yeah btw, bro Iz, u have a great housewarming! Sorry i can't be there to enjoy the fun with the rest in ur new crib...thanx for invitin me anyways :)
The happiest time tis week was probably today, when Mesye and I double dated Raf & Mr Fyz to look for my Mother's Day gift in town, had yummy Nasi Ayam Bakar@Lucky Plaza and choco-fix@Max Brenner.
Tis week has been really tough for me. my first week of full-time research work has been rather umm Shitty. yes, i haven't had a good time at work, been strugglin since Day 1. 1st assignment for the day was to do subculturin of 2 cell lines, start cell lysis, overnite bacterial culture for miniprep and BCA assay on some proteins with minimal guidance. i was lost, i panicked, i can't think...i even screwed up M1V1=M2V2, can u believe it?! the worst part was, i had NO trace of DNA in my agarose gel for my minipreps yet the results usin Nanodrop gave me figures, showin me otherwise, for the past couple of days. What went wrong, I DO NOT KNOW! and my PI was even wonderin if i even pipetted out the small volumes of DNA from my tubes but after that she said, she doubted it was actually due to my pipettin! come next week, i have to subculture more of my cell lines, do transfection (which i have no experience of it at all), obtain cell lysate and probably start on western blotting! ARGHHHHHH!!! i wonder why the hell do i put myself into tis kinda predicament?? i itched for some mental challenge but now it's an OVERLOAD!
One after another, the load juz keeps on piling...it comes to a point that every day, i juz wanna go home and sleep after work and my report writin is stalled. and i'm totally knocked out before the clock even strikes midnite. Boohoohooooo....
Tomorrow, i'm gonna be visitin my dad's grave for the first time since his burial. i heard from my mum that his headstone actually collapsed when my uncle took a look at his grave on Labour Day, since it was rather rainy then. it broke my heart hearin that cos my mum n i was not able to take a look then. but i guess, what matters most is the prayers that we constantly dedicate to him, not really his grave. the grave is juz material that covers his rottin body but it is the prayers and my conduct, that will probably keep me connected to his soul although he is already in a different world.
oh well, no matter how sucky the next few days, weeks or even months can be, i have to remain patient and soldier on, right? tis was what my daddy taught me and tis is probably how God has chosen to test me, probably to test my faith or as a way to atone my sins...Wallahu a'lam...a kind stranger told my mother to remind me of tis Ayat in the Quran:
"On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets everything that it earns, and upon it is everything that it reaps....." [Al-Baqarah:286]
May God bless that kind dude and so i shall pray along...
"...Our Lord, Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error. Our Lord Lay not on us a burden like that which You laid on those before us. Our Lord Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us. And grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Protector. Grant us victory over the unbelievers." [Al-Baqarah:286]
it's been two weeks, and life seems to have taken a dramatic twist.
everythin comes to a standstill yet we have to keep on movin forward.
carefree is no longer a description of me, and numbness is probably my new company.
probably i am juz so overwhelmed by the new responsibilities.
everyday i wake up wonderin if i can make it through it all and find myself back again
but i guess that will take quite some time
as i now face the biggest challenges of my life ever
i pray to God every day, that i shall emerge stronger than ever
emotionally, mentally & spiritually...every time i feel like crumblin...
"This is the beginning of your day
Life is more intricate than it seems
Always be yourself along the way
Living through the spirit of your dreams"
