Buzzed

Whoa the months of May to September have been a blur. Since the last few days of serving iddah, I felt that I have been truly blessed. To be firstly reacquainted with an old friend, whom in my childhood & early teens, was my companion to & from madrasah. Now we are learning more about each other & loving each other in clandestine ways. Alhamdulillah for tis unexpected twist in life for I was resigned initially to be single for life till ABS came along.

Next would definitely be the start of finding a new career path. From a part-timer of mainly washing vases and conditioning flowers, the boss found potential to have me work as an event/marketing/operation executive who runs around trying to keep her shop in order and ensure events are to be runnin smoothly. And the first project I had to "babysit" was a five-figure one that finally was over last week end! Masya Allah...everything had to be tip top and have a high-end clean finishing touch. I pray real hard to pull off tis and Alhamdulillah, we did it pretty well. It was crazy tiring with lots of gettin things together. I have learnt so much about communicating and had a lot of observations & wising up to do. 

Right now, despite feeling like a small junior fry, I know I can do better. Reminds me of the recent GE where I finally get to cast my vote. Finally after LKY passed on, we have opposition party to contest with the PAP here in Tanjong Pagar. But of course despite each individual's good backgrounds, being a junior team has its slight disadvantage where people have not yet learn much about you and your capacity & capabilities. You just gotta keep striving to show & reveal your true self & learn more on how to communicate & serve others & with others.

It had been crazy good months. I think I could relax a lil bit more now but not slacken. I will be meetin up my photobooth client today after work. So from junior fry to ladyboss. Why do i love all these juggling? I pray for all to just go well & fall in place in time for me & for all my loved ones. Bismillah.

Head's Under Water

The whole of last week kinda felt like what I had to fight off last year. Painful dark sense of loss and gloom. I felt so tired & uninspired. I am not exactly sure if it is really the death of the minister mentor that griped me or maybe what I read about, complicated grief, that suddenly overwhelmed me.

I spent last week totally not looking into work but taking in every day as it comes. I kept crying and I feel like I have done nothing much for those around me as every day I was just fighting myself from crumbling emotionally. That or I was mostly sleeping. Tried to shake off the feeling while exploring Istana Woodneuk & rocking it out at Wall Climbing....yes in those moments, I lost myself but again the melancholy slips in.

Today, I made time to listen to the eulogies by the grandchildren of LKY upon gettin up. Pretty impressive, much admiration, peppered with aspirations & such eloquence. Li Hongyi's just resonated so much to me. He talked about the 3Cs of his Yeye and of his camera. Aren't we such vulnerable & sentimental beings?

I just cannot help reminiscin of times spent with Abah and Iyuan tis past week actually. The men who inspired & stirred my interest in photography & the ones who bought me my cameras. Is it any coincidence that I spent alot of my waking time taking photos instead of craftin or floral jammin? Perhaps it was a way to comfort my loss from death & going through divorce. Truly, I miss them both.

Yet I cannot remain tis way & I shall again, find my way. Mak needs me to be ok. She has been my pillar of strength & I am truly grateful for her still being here. For now perhaps, that should be what truly matter. Her.

And I will always try to remember that in the choices I make & the things I do, to emulate MM as he does the things he do. With Character, Clarity & Conviction....these are values that I shall cultivate of my journey, really hats off to some people who really make it look easy.

Nevertheless I thank God for whatever I am blessed with today, feels like I live a privilege life & may I reflect upon it every day & always give my best back with what I have & share the goodness that I possess.

Alhamdulillah.

The Sound of Getting By

Floral jam.
Steel Wool shoots.
Girly giggles.





Get busy.
Get high.
Get a life.
Get ALIVE.

ONE OK ROCK - Heartache [Studio Jam Session]

Of all days/dates in the year for tis to be published.
Tis is definitely one dedicated to you & me.
Be it coincidental or God-incidental.

The question is will you Be my Kenshin?

The Toughest Trial/Triumph

Friday the 13th, 2015. 
D-day.

I was at my toughest. I faced you. I faced the day I dread. I didn't want things to end with you for truly my heart still yearns for you and your return but it is just no longer right any more for me to pine & hope for change when there's too much guilt & self-inflicted shame you corner yourself to.

No matter how I reach out the wall you raise gets higher & higher. You feel like you don't matter when it feels like it is my belief & love for you that does not matter at all instead. You can no longer bring yourself to accept it while i can no longer tolerate your misdeeds.

Whatever holds for us forward, I shall continue prayin for you & lovin you from where I am. I shall not falter & let my whole world crumble by the things I feel mistreated abt. I shall keep breathin, keep goin, keep growin & keep faith.

May you do the same & some day overcome & forget your guilt & find true happiness & gratitude in your heart & be drawn closer to the Almighty. May the Lord grant you strength in your daily battles & tenacity to face & overcome you difficulties.


   
 

Valuing my Being

It's been months since my last update.

I feel like I have been through the deepest, darkest part of a rabbit hole and am in a position where I am striving hard to get myself out of it. I felt self-absorbed for the past months having to turn down invitations to hang out or have fun with friends and loved ones but spending more time reaching out to certain people, seeking deeper knowledge, craft jamming and clinging to God's rope even more. It finally dawned on me that I am on track, I am in the thick of a self awareness journey where there are bits of my life crumbling while in other aspects I sense, becoming. 

I could totally connect with Imam Muhammad Abdul Latif Finch's remark about life being a spiraling journey and the fuel for this journey is in Dhikrullah, the remembrance of Allah. I have been at my worst that alot of times my actions and thoughts are poisoned with negativeness especially towards a couple of people I love most and I could finally see how purifying MY heart first(istighfar instead of getting irritated) in response to pain (another person's action, that which I have no control over or I am not in favour of), helps me transform my state of well-being. It is BLOODY HARD. Yet the efforts are worth pursuing. I am still nowhere near where I hope to be but inshaa Allah, may He continually guide me as I continually walk tis journey in seekin Him & discoverin further my purpose in tis journey.

I have been asked to do deep thinking about life; my life and my career. From there I spend a lot of time in reflections and askin further questions. There have been soo much buzz(which I call dots) in my head that have taken so much of my time & energy tryin to string them. For now, here are my take aways (it's more for my own reference):


Value myself first. 
Know what my values are and stay true to them to feel most authentic.

Practise self-compassion. 
It is OK not to be OK, acknowledge my pain. I am worthy of kindness and care towards myself while going through pain. I am human not perfect.

Tawakkul & devote myself to the Creator first & foremostly. 
Start and see things with a grateful heart and ask am I doing something as an acknowledgement/worship of God with love (sincerity) or am I preocuppied with my Self striving to be perfect (fear of failing, losing)?

Let things unfold & unveil in the Lord's perfect timing. Observe, be aware and act.

Practise the same towards others. Show them that they are Valued and be compassionate and affectionate. Complement where possible.

Don't know if these things I noted, will they be relevant still in time but surely these are some of my learnings for now. The marvels of learning to unlearn and relearn. 

Praise God.

Rusts & Ruts

Despite turnin quite the cynic...I really cannot fathom why I put my self again in the path of uncertainty at a greater risk at the very mention of HELP and u came back by my side askin for more time for change to take place.

What the hell was that about? And since then I have feelings of both euphoria and anxiety. Inhalin Gratitude and Exhalin Love is a day to day process I have to learn & take steps towards u before i could again Inhale Love and Exhale Gratitude.

I have always believed that underneath the bad choices or attitude, probably lies a hurt person waitin to shine positively so how could I take things so personally especially when what bothered me were triggers mainly?

Dear Lord, grant us strength to restore and rebuild if it is meant to be. Let us learn, give & receive each other in the most beautiful ways through this journey. Just when I was seein the end, again You grant us unexpected help. Let us be with each other only to reach out deep within ourselves to love You and cherish Your mercy & grace. Let us not deviate from the right path with Your guidance.



 

Questions & Invitations

Is it me who is the insensitive one who keep pushing for change, hoping to improve the situation, hoping to receive affirmation or communication but only to make it feel like rubbing dirt in ur face further?

Perhaps I have changed for the worse towards us but better for myself. I asked my self again n again...is tis self-love or narcissism? It is said that when people truly love, they can overcome thinking about their needs and put others' needs before their own. I used to do that and I used to love so easily now I feel like a cynic, closing off my heart to stop further hurt and feel like the world is closin in on me when I try to share what I feel are important and require attention/decision but only to be met with silence instead of lively discussion.


Feel safe or like I belong no longer though hope harbours. Unfortunately deadline is drawing nearer. Makes me anxious & nervous everyday but then of course again & again, there is no compulsion in love nor religion...just invitations to walk the same way.

Oh heart

If it is dead, revive it with Your Grace,
If it is asleep, awaken it with Your Mercy,
Dear Lord, let it beat again in beautiful rhythm with Gratitude for Your love & light.

Guide it, guide it dear Lord,
To the true path that leads it back to You.

Bind our hearts, seal our love for You.

 

"Our Lord! Let not our hearts deviate from the truth after You have guided us, and bestow upon us mercy from Your grace. Verily You are the Giver of bounties without measure." (Ali Imran:8)

The Brutality of Bravery

Point blank.
Gunned.
Felt like i committed murder.

Like you i asked myself again...is that it?
Honestly, i hate it but i had to do it.
Puttin myself in the unknown, the consequence one day and many more days ahead i shall bear alone.
Yes mum, family, friends and more will always be around me but i bear the pain, the grief, the madness alone.

Perhaps it is my reluctance to be soft hearted despite the attempts you make to ease my pain or romance me off my feet that turned you off completely but how do i stay in tis covenant with broken trust & blatant unfaithfulness?

I will not lie to my own heart. I need to live & love sincerely. Happy & Bliss was you & me only. That is over. What you don't understand is I don't need to be appeased nor pitied, now I choose to have only a life partner who would love & stay true to me for the sake of the Lord as how I would stay true to him likewise, and to hell with insecurity. Cos that insecurity breeds jealousy. They give me bad allergy. I no longer have that confidence we are going to work anymore so it is time to break this tiresome cycle and embrace life anew.

Lord, on tis nite of Ramadhan, i pray that if yesterday was the worst day of our lives, please make our days ahead to be better. I shall resolve to continually trust Your plans and try to keep myself together.

We unite by Your grace and possibly part by Your mercy that which gave me strength to stand up for my worth & dignity. I can no longer smile and have no gratitude for him....Lord, forgive me and please guide me. Thank You, Lord for givin me the courage to establish my boundary.

Men

I could possibly be ramblin & sharin how fun & frustratin my adventures were with my maternal family, retracin our roots back to my grandma's birthplace that took place a week back but some how it felt like somethin less significant to what reality is truly presentin to me right now.

Yes, it was a trip worth takin like a lil respite from the reckonin madness that was goin on in my social life. Hah. Upon return, I had a certain resolution that no matter what bullshit happened before the trip, I am gonna return on a clean slate but of course lo and behold things got worse! But I had to look hard into the matters and resolve not get dragged along in others' mess & keep my own shit together and if there is one thing that was draggin me down on that trip but now seems like it was somethin I actually needed...it was diarrhoea...i am probably gettin the effect of detox now!

Alhamdulillah at this juncture, I am still stumbling my way through tis life of mine but I kinda feel like things are beginnin to be better. After The Fault in Our Stars movie, Ustaz Nouman's Story Night session and talkin to my sister-in-law it seems like God is finally tellin me to sit down, forget tryin so hard to stay with someone who I no longer can entrust my heart with, and pay attention to Him and His choices of men he has put forth in my life!

I didn't see that comin but OK, so yes possibly....leadin to Ramadhan, i shall keep my senses open and dig up the Quran and seek those chosen ones....Muhammad, Joseph, Jesus and Moses....peace and blessings be upon these beautiful men and what goodness they bring to me and the rest of humanity. And may God bless all the beautiful people who keep me in their prayers, instill positivity and keep me inspired all this while. 

I'mma gonna keep goin & keep sparklin, inshaa Allah!

Stone Wall

I was at my best with you,

But you refused to stay true.

Even if you missed me or how I still ache for you terribly,

Now I'm so numb,

Beyond an arm,

To open my heart & reach out to what could be,

And so what ever will be, shall be.

Couldn't I be a lil bit kinder?

I have only become a lil bit more miser.

 

Arise!

"Steady your hearts, look deep into your souls! Seize your Glory!"

Sparkle

Never forget that what has passed you by was never meant to befall you. And what has befallen you, was never meant to pass you by. Know that sometimes Allah withholds from you, in order to give you something better. Keep your Heart focused on Him, and He will take care of the rest.

And remember: you will Stumble but that's part of the path.

Keep going. Keep rising, and refuse to give up.

-Yasmin Mogahed

Dear Lord grant me strength and serenity to keep going, to keep rising and to refuse giving up. Help me to continually let go & ease the process dear Lord. Let Your divine light, mercy & love prevail above all else throughout this struggle but most of all, THANK YOU for showing me the bitter truth of things, i shall keep marching on.

Alhamdulillah.

Intentions

Oh how some people can swear by GOD that their intention meant no harm to me. Have they heard not of the saying

THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS??

Do they not know their ACTS are what condemn them to their consequences?? Ohhhhh the nerve of some people dear Lord!! Please keep me from harm and harming ya Allah! Strengthen me with iman & taqwa ya Allah!

Please continue keeping me on track, guiding me in every step of my struggle and continue giving me clarity as I march on ya Rabb, ya Rahman, ya Rahim!!

  

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah

That's like 3 CHEERS for my fulfilling Sunday!

Felt like there's a certain callin today that draws me AND my loved ones closer to the blessings of the Lord. Thank you Allah for presentin to us such opportunities like bam bam bam! 

My heavy heart suddenly felt uplifted and am truly thankful and glad to be able to listen and be inspired again with teachings of the Prophet and words of the Lord. And to wrap up the nite, without even me seekin, the opportunity for me to listen to more inspirin talks presented itself when my cuzzin called to inform me that Yasmin Mogahed is comin to SG again & a friend has already made reservations for us. Allah Allah Allah...thank you for the abundance!!

رَّبِّ زِدْنِى عِلْمًۭا.                                

 "....Oh my Lord, increase me in knowledge."

(Taha 20:114)

Shut up Nafs, be Grateful!

Friends asked me what is Nafs upon readin my FB status earlier tonite. Ummm as with many Arabic words, it is so easy to describe a whole repertoir of meanings into just ONE word.

The closest explanation for Nafs...is probably Inner Demons, in my term or others may have point it as the ego/self...or hmmm thoughts, feelings and issues that brings about negativity.

There are a bunch of issues happenin ard me right now and really, dealin and facin them and tryin to stay together and be there for my dearest loved ones sometimes bring out the creepiest and bad ass Inner Demons of mine. Feels suffocated, cornered and sometimes plain uncared for going through these issues. I wish not to hurt anyone but sometimes in order not to have myself resentin my loved ones I have no choice but to be emotionally detached from them as well as forgive them and forgive myself.

I seek greater patience and understanding dear Lord to get through my struggles in facin life and people. Keep guidin me dear Lord, for every pain/stress I am going through for I noe there is relief. Remind me to be grateful at all times so that the heart finds peace and contentment. In You I trust for better days ahead, keep faith that there will be blessings despite the issues I have to resolve and have gratitude for the existence of beautiful people and unfolding of events in my life all tis while.

Ameen

Hijrah

Masya Allah!

4th December was the day that I probably made my bravest decision in my life thus far. It is definitely not the easiest thing to do but it had to be done for my own good.

It has been many many months since the heartache started, many many attempts had been made, many many things unfolded and many many lil lessons learnt that made way to a higher state of emotional & spiritual awakenings. 

From it all, I learnt that

1. I CANNOT change anyone without him wantin to change himself or rather, without God willing him to change and be in sync with my thoughts or needs.

2. And what I CAN do is to CHANGE my mindset and BE RESPONSIBLE for how I respond to the person(s) and situations I am involved in. We are us some of us said, the product of our Choices. Either I could choose to be bitter or be better. No doubt these past months were very confusin and tormentin but praise God that I was able to keep faith, seek for guidance and never have I felt more in touch with God and myself than goin through the pains that came with my heart aches. 

3. I learnt to listen, reflect and question my needs and be self-reliant though many a times I stumbled and fell and get all upset and panic and felt so lost. Nevertheless hope and faith kept me goin and definitely God's grace and mercy lead the way.

4. Everyday has been a learnin journey with new friendship fostered, dealin with myself and through observations of things that go on ard me. I just cannot help sayin some people and things happened to my life tis year are simply GOD SENT!

5. I felt that God is teachin me a very precious lesson from all these....today it hit me, perhaps all these that happened and those which are still happenin are part of HIJRAH for myself. Hijrah in essence whereby one seeks for a better situation. Tis is thus then my Jihad.

So I shall remind myself here, that I must not lose focus or be gripped again by my nafs to cling on to people and situations that are EMOTIONALLY & PSYCHOLOGICALLY DRAINING. Rather I should focus in puttin my ENERGY into POSITIVE endeavours and gettin myself to PRIORITISE servin the Lord above all else, makin Islam not simply an act of worship but rather embrace it as the way of my life.


Just gotta remember:

"Those who believe, and migrate and strive in Allah’s cause, with their goods and their persons, have the highest rank in the sight of Allah: they are indeed the successful people. Their Lord does give them glad tidings of a Mercy from Himself, of His good pleasure, and of Gardens where enduring pleasure will be theirs: They will dwell therein forever. Verily in Allah’s presence is a reward, the greatest (of all)." (Al-Tawbah 9: 20-22)


So yeah, Alhamdulillah :)


    

Chance or Change

Today dear Lord i grasp to Your Rope, please grant me strength & wisdom so I may go forth to choose CHANGE with dignity for my self & humility as Your Servant.

Bismillah.



 

4

still a journey, still a maze
still grateful despite the many heartbreakin days

i could only hope & pray
only the Lord could ever turn the situation and stop the sway
stop withdrawin come back to stay
otherwise i'll be on my way